the last few months of my life have been a strange gathering of excruciatingly beautiful* moments of happiness, thoughtfulness, fear, anxiety, loss, hate, pain, desire, need, bliss, anger, fucking, love, disbelief and escape.
lets face it. i'm a pretty privileged 30 year old. i live in a country that gives me the ability to feel all of these emotions, experience them in real time, in a safe environment to explore the whole spectrum of my being. to break down, cry to the point of choking on my body's sadness.. then walk, run, escape, think and level out to a spiritual bliss.
i live in complete luxury. i have enough money for food, shelter, clothes & water. so much so that i have enough left over to offer me the false protection of monetary savings.
all this and still i have more. my world offers me the privilege of hopes and dreams and the exploration of my darkest thought. patterned in full colour for the world to see.
so in all this beauty, luxury and privilege how do i still find myself depressed in a life i am so happy with.
it's my own stupid fault. preconceptions morph to fear. scared states leave me vulnerable, and easy prey for hungry carnivores.
yes those feelings of desire and need, must, now, greed. they're the motives that fuel my fire.
i'm learning to control them.
but it takes time.
my world is a world of electronic instances, that all pass in milli measurements of time.
so my path is long, winding and seemingly endless.
thank fuck for music and friends.
escape.
right, so i think my over-tired state has produced enough babble for one night.
but you get the picture, right??
i'm confused but happy.
:)
hugs and love to the beautiful strangers out there reading.
xoxo
* borrowed from wedding vows of my best friends wedding..
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