3 posts tagged “love”

dear vox,

the last few months of my life have been a strange gathering of excruciatingly beautiful* moments of happiness, thoughtfulness, fear, anxiety, loss, hate, pain, desire, need, bliss, anger, fucking, love, disbelief and escape.

lets face it.  i'm a pretty privileged 30 year old.  i live in a country that gives me the ability to feel all of these emotions, experience them in real time, in a safe environment to explore the whole spectrum of my being.  to break down, cry to the point of choking on my body's sadness.. then walk, run, escape, think and level out to a spiritual bliss.

i live in complete luxury.  i have enough money for food, shelter, clothes & water.  so much so that i have enough left over to offer me the false protection of monetary savings.

all this and still i have more.  my world offers me the privilege of hopes and dreams and the exploration of my darkest thought.  patterned in full colour for the world to see.

so in all this beauty, luxury and privilege how do i still find myself depressed in a life i am so happy with.

it's my own stupid fault.  preconceptions morph to fear.  scared states leave me vulnerable, and easy prey for hungry carnivores.

yes those feelings of desire and need, must, now, greed.  they're the motives that fuel my fire.

i'm learning to control them.
but it takes time.
my world is a world of electronic instances, that all pass in milli measurements of time.
so my path is long, winding and seemingly endless.

thank fuck for music and friends.
escape.

right, so i think my over-tired state has produced enough babble for one night.
but you get the picture, right??

i'm confused but happy.

:)

hugs and love to the beautiful strangers out there reading.

xoxo

* borrowed from wedding vows of my best friends wedding..

it's 8 days till i turn 30.
i'm growing out of friends.
i'm growing out of me.
i don't fit into any groups of people for more than a month.
i've lost my way.

i'm still a young 29.
i've met lots of lovely wonderful new friends.
i'm growing into a young man.
i don't have to fit into any groups anymore.
i've found direction from within.

it's a funny old psychological battle, this thing called life.  the minute that comfort is found, desire finds a new home.  yet when you start chasing desire, you find yourself tired, sad and lonely, at the end of a one way street in sprinkling rain.  the harder you try to avoid the drops, the faster they fall.  with more and more fury, until finally you give in, point your eyes to the clouds, open your mouth, and taste your fears.

i fear my heart, and it's desire to find that one special heart to be close to for ever more.

i'm listening to nick drake's album, pink moon.  it's quite possibly the most beautiful music i've heard since i was 7, listening to my dad's folk band sing simon & garfunkel on the heated slate floor of their practice room.

nick drake is only a recent addition to my song list.  a recent addition from a new friend.  a new friend with a special glimmer in her eye, a warm strong beating heart, and a quirky off-beat mind.  thank you pippa!

it's now 12.48am.  i should be in bed.  my eyes struggle to stay focused.  i know i won't be able to sleep, but i know i'm not in any condition to be awake.

i guess i'll make some tea.
snort at the moon.
squeeze lemon in my eye.
and feel deserved of a good old fashioned cry.

goodnight lonely world.
tomorrow will be divine.
tomorrow will be divine.

si. x